Episode 26 - Fifty Shades of Grey

The Vid Neg crew round off the year by whipping themselves into shape with the as-voted-for-by-you "Worst Film of 2015" Fifty Shades of Grey. It's another episode full of mass debating as Tim and Ol face off against Dan's noble (but pointless) defence of the film, as they take issue with the inane, tedious plot, woeful characterisation and lifeless sex scenes. Plenty of boner jams in this one, check it out before they return in the new year!

Episode 25 - Santa With Muscles

The gang are back to face an old foe in Video Negative's Christmas special! That's right, Hulk Ho-ho-hogan is back with his appalling Crimbo vehicle Santa With Muscles! Plenty of yuletide yuks in this one. Also: The Hogan teat has been milked dry, so Tim puts Dan to the test with a true or false quiz about some of wrestling's weirdest and wackiest and sexual assaultiest (?) incidents ever. Don't miss out!

Worst Film of 2015 - The Candidates

We whiffed the recording of our Bonfire Of the Vanities episode, and the finished product was terrible. Here's a little bonus to tide you over. Ol talks you through the candidates of our Worst Films of 2015 poll, the winner of which will be reviewed by the gang. The only election that matters, take a listen and vote at the link below:

http://www.poll-maker.com/poll476991x680E4DDB-19

Pet Sematary: The Lost Episode

Sup VNPeeps? Oliver here, in an effort to give you guys more content to enjoy between instalments of the show, I thought I'd actually start using the blog as more than just a means to host episodes.

Hope you all enjoyed the Troll 2 episode and if you haven't listened to it yet, go ahead and check them shits out at all the usual avenues. What this post concerns is the long lost first Halloween episode that we released for about forty minutes last year. We actually talked about it briefly during the recording of Troll 2 but I cut it out due to time constraints. I thought a full blog post detailing what exactly the episode was about and why it was only online for such a short time would be somewhat entertaining to Vid Neg completists. So sit back, pour yourself a mug of something suitably Halloween-related and enjoy.

Last October, Tim, my girlfriend Becky and I went to a screening of Pet Sematary. I'd slacked on getting into the Halloween spirit, and was the first time in about five years that I hadn't dressed up. This film screening was a means of rectifying my unseasonal mood, and I was nevertheless looking forward to it despite my state of undress. (Wait, that sounds like I attended the screening naked - I didn't). Anyway, the organisers were touting all week the availability of pumpkin beer that they were brewing. First red flag - the beer sucked. A picture posted by the film collective screening the film revealed it was literally just pre-existing ale and tins of tinned pumpkin splodge, which I guessed they just mushed together. Great job on the brewing, guys.

I'd attended a screening put on the collective before - a riotous screening of Peter Jackson's Braindead at Manchester's much missed Cornerhouse - which is still one of my fondest cinema going experiences. At that screening, they'd played old, trashy trailers of horror movies to get everyone in the mood. At the Pet Sematary screening, they did the same thing and it was easily the highlight. From memory, a hearty stew of campy toy adverts, a few trailers including the '81 horror flick The Burning and a bizarre excerpt from a horror film of a young boy killing his father with a gardening hoe - I shit you not. Everyone laughed heartily, but there was one guy who had to laugh longer and harder than everyone else which was pretty irritating after the 50th time. Sidenote: If anyone thinks the way I conduct myself on the show is some sort of persona they are sorely mistaken - I really am a crotchety misery guts in real life too.

Anyway, Pet Sematary started. After drinking everyone else's beer, I needed the toilet as soon as the credits flashed up. Laughing boy had a nice chuckle at the production logo (it was the Paramount ident in case you were wondering) which signified himself as a grade A moron. I left to go to the toilet. On my way back, I tried to sneak up on Tim and scare him, but he clocked me creeping up on him, putting an end to my nefarious doings. So bladders relieved, the film started proper. I don't remember much about the film, but around 15 minutes in, it dawned on us all that you could barely hear anything. The audio was muffled to oblivion, compounded by the fact that one character, I seem to recall, deliberately mumbled his dialogue.  

An uncomfortable feeling started to sink in. I flicked up the running time on my phone: 103 minutes. I wasn't prepared to ride this one out for that duration. I texted Tim "if you want to leave now, I'm fine with that". After a very, very brief pow-wow, we decided to peace. Awkwardly, we had to walk past the organisers, to whom Tim said: "thanks for a great night". That was that, we went to a bar and got drunk.

The next morning, and sporting cracking hangovers, Tim and I sat down to record the previous night's events. Obviously Dan wasn't with us and at the time, we used to record on his Mac. So instead we recorded basically what I've recounted above on my laptop instead, presenting it how we usually do i.e. name of director, previous filmography, budget, etc. It was a pretty fun episode, you got more of a sense of how we conduct ourselves as people in public and despite being pruned up on the inside after a night of beer there was some funny bits - sample intro: "A dreaded sunny day and I'll meet you at the cemetry gates - the Pet Sematary gates that is" (yeah hilarious, you had to be there).

It was a very brief episode, around 20 minutes, but the audio quality wasn't the best - even compared to our older episodes. Tim went home and I tried my best to try and improve the audio quality. I managed to get it to a point that was somewhat presentable and uploaded it to soundcloud. Slight tangent: a few days earlier, I'd emailed a podcast Tim and I are big fans of for advice. Around the time I put the Pet Sematary episode up, he replied. A large reply in fact, but with one snag. He'd based all his advice upon hearing our latest and not-so-greatest episode. Basically it consisted of "it was hard to hear, you need to get a microphone". Such indignity. I doubt he ever checked back a few months down the line to see how we were doing.

It turns out, Soundcloud had completely mangled the audio quality to the point where it was just unlistenable, reversing my attempts to improve the quality. I had no other choice - I had to take the episode down, I'd rather listeners not have to suffer through and strain to hear what was just reporting on a disastrous night out.

So there you go. The story of the first attempt at a Halloween episode. I'm not sure I even have the episode anymore but suffice to say, I'm not going to upload it. I'm not even sure why I even wrote this, but maybe some folk'll get a bang out of hearing about it.

This year, we're going to see a double bill of The Addams Family and The Burbs. Stoked.

Happy Halloween, peace.

Episode 24: Troll 2

It's time to get spooky as the Vid Neg crew take on the infamously bad Troll 2. Touted as one of the worst films ever made, the gang get to grips with the film's "tenuous" grasp of vegetarianism, the limitless super powers of Grandpa Seth, and the deep origins of the storied folk song "Row Row Row Your Boat". No tricks, but plenty of treats on this terrifying Halloween edition...

Spectre Special - The World Is Not Enough

In the interest of doing something in a timely manner for once with the release of Spectre coming up very soon, the crew take a look at arguably James Bond's worst '90s outing The World Is Not Enough. Meant to be a surprise bonus episode (two people already guessed the film, well done lads), the gang are joined by their good friend and Bond aficionado Mike to talk all things 007. How has the film aged? Why can nobody ever explain the business with the pipelines? Is Robert Carlyle one of the worst Bond villains of all time? Plus Ol puts Mike to the test with a surprise Mastermind Quiz. His chosen subjecct? Why, James Bond of course. Check out the episode to see how he fairs... 

Episode 23: Armageddon

Ladies and gentleman, we are floating in space. The Vid Neg crew blast off into unknown territory, taking on the 1998 film Armageddon film, directed by visionary cineaste and explosion fetishist Michael Bay. America is the world, and the gang have several bees in their bonnets about the chest-beating patriotism on display, why nobody seems to be taking a Texas-sized asteroid seriously and Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler's horrendous chemistry. Another actor is inducted into the Hall of Shame, also we discuss Michael Bay-as-auteur, his storied public speaking and a fracas he had with ravenous Hong Kongese cannibals. That last thing only kind of happened.

https://soundcloud.com/video-negative/armageddon-episode-23

Episode 22: Three Ninjas - High Noon at Mega Mountain

What better way to capitalise on the recent Hulk Hogan scandal than releasing an episode reviewing one of his films two months after the fact? Yes, the gang enter Hulk's ring to take on the 1998 karate party Three Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain.  Why do the whitest family in the world have an Oriental grandpa? Where are Colt's sideburns? Why is the parenting in the film so awful? All this plus the return of the Hulk Hogan quiz - Tim puts Dan to the test once more with a series of questions, the answers to which you won't believe, BROTHER!

https://soundcloud.com/video-negative/three-ninjas-high-noon-at-mega-mountain-episode-22

Bonus Episode - Music Video Negative

With Dan on holiday lounging in blameless bliss, Ol and Tim dive back into Video Negative's early days to take a look at music videos featured on the soundtracks of Batman & Robin, Cool As Ice, Spice World and of course, Wild Wild West. Vid Neg favourites Vanilla Ice and Will Smith return, while the Smashing Pumpkins get the usual treatment for the first time. Also, the guy who pretty much influenced the whole premise of the show, That Awful Sound's Alexander Edward drops by to wax American about the very British Spice Girls, offering us his own views on his favourite member, their impact in the US and their nipples. Also, plenty of discussion about favourite music videos and soundtracks from the crew's youth. Not at all self indulgent, check out this bonus treat before the whole gang return to whip Hulk Hogan's ass in the next full episode.

https://soundcloud.com/video-negative/music-video-negative-bonus-episode

Episode 21 - Pokemon: The First Movie

Vid Neg's first foray into the world of animation sees them take on the highly experimental, art house classic Pokemon: The First Movie (great title by the way, guys). Get ready to have some nostalgia well and truly smashed as this film really riles the gang up. Why is everyone in this film so stupid? Why is the exposition repeated to the nth degree? Why is Pikachu seemingly the most powerful Pokemon? All this and more, including the gang's experiences with the franchise, including the card game, their best and worst Pokemon, a 10 year old Tim's Pokemon blueprint and a schoolyard skirmish with a real life Miss Trunchbull. Plus Ol sends out a threat to an old Vid Neg foe when he reveals the next episode. 

https://soundcloud.com/video-negative/pokemon-the-first-movie-episode-21

Episode 20 - Showgirls

The boys take another trip to Las Vegas as they review Paul Verhoeven's rubbish-oh-wait-it's-not-that-bad strip flick Showgirls. Dubbed "the worst film of the 90s", the crew have their film critic hats on as they give a leering, in-depth analysis to this one, throwing dollar bills and wolf-whistling at the film's portrayal of duality, its biting satire and actually fairly good storytelling. Fret not, there's still a lot to criticise, as they throw overpriced beer over the film's rampant sexism, dodgy screenplay and terrible characters. Also, Tim makes a bizarre contention about one of the song's lyrics featured within. It's a two drink minimum on this instalment with plenty of hot, nude film criticism - it's not even wearing a smile. Nod suggestively.

Episode 19 - The Avengers

Vid Neg's second request episode sees them tackle the notoriously bad 1998 remake The Avengers. Infamously gutted in the editing room, what the gang see is a total hatchet job of a movie, with no regard for pacing, narrative, or characters. Who OK'd these performances? Why is it so hard to follow? How did anyone have a career after this cinematic fart squeezed its way out of Warner Brothers arse? Also featured: Listen to Sean Connery get off on cloud types, and which past film hated by the gang do they critically re-evaluate after watching this dire attempt at a film? Anger abounds in this latest instalment...

Episode 18 - Escape From LA

Surf's up on the wild wild west coast! It's 2013, and anyone caught doing anything remotely fun is exiled to a run down Los Angeles where they're forced to listen to bad nu metal. Yes, it's John Carpenter's 1996 sequel Escape from LA, the final part in the Great Directors, Bad Films trilogy. It's gang warfare on this instalment of the Video Negative podcast, as Tim faces off against Dan and Ol over two very differing opinions of this much maligned/deservedly hated (whichever way you look at it) sci-fi yarn. Also featured: the gang run down the top 5 worst special effects out of the films they've looked at, Ol details why he loves John Carpenter so much, and plenty more inductees into the Vid Neg hall of shame. Plenty of mass debating on this one! 

Episode 17 - Mars Attacks

We land on barren fields in the Arizona plains, as the three teenagers from Mars (neither of those are true) take on Tim Burton's surprisingly rubbish sci-fi/disaster parody/homage/rush job Mars Attacks, the second in the Great Directors, Bad Films season. Why does it take forever for things to get going? Why is such a talented cast misused so badly? Just how scared of this film was Ol as a child and which all time classic film does he hate? All this and more on the latest episode of the Indescribable! Unbelievable! Indestructible! Video Negative Podcast.

https://soundcloud.com/video-negative/mars-attacks-episode-17

Episode 16: North

The first in Video Negative's series of "Great Directors, Bad Films" sees Dan pick one of Roger Ebert's most beloved films, Rob Reiner's 1994 honker North. The gang take apart the film that seemingly ended Reiner's streak of incredible run of great cinema, and enter a slump he's not left since. The crew are aghast at the god-awful humour - none of which finds its mark - the misuse of a huge, talented cast, and all the horrendous ethnic stereotyping on display. Plus, Tim reveals a very revolting alternative definition of an Eskimo Pie.

Episode 15: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3

The Vid Neg crew's first film requested by a fan, and the inaugural choice is a big, bad one - the infamous Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3: Turtles In Time. From the paper thin plot all the way down (and it's a long way down), it's a long list of terrible writing, awful characters and woeful special effects. Just how bad can a pop culture reference get? Who has the best hairstyle in this film? Which famous film star do the turtles' accents remind Ol of? What film does Dan pick for the next choice (it's a biggie). Find out all this and more by tuning in...

https://soundcloud.com/video-negative/teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-3-episode-15

Episode 14: The Stupids

The boys are back in town after a long break and what a shocker they've returned for. The first time the crew watch the film together, it's 1996's The Stupids directed by John Landis, the John Landis that brought you Blues Brothers 2000 rather than the guy who helmed Animal House. Why is the plot so boring? Since when did stupid people not named Forrest Gump become sympathetic? What is the film's obsession with putting famed directors in pointless cameos? You'd be stupid to miss this episode!

https://soundcloud.com/video-negative/the-stupids-episode-14

Episode 13: Batman Forever

Who's afraid of the big black bat? The Video Negative Podcast aren't, but what they are afraid of is Jim Carrey's teeth-grindingly annoying performance as the Riddler, Tommy Lee Jones' awful turn as Two-Face and the Riddler's poorly explained mind control device. The gang return to whence they came, taking a look at Joel Schumacher's 1995 first caped crusader foray, Batman Forever. Where is the Riddler getting all his outfits from? Why does Robin do his laundry like that? Who decided that 'Intruder Alert' klaxon was acceptable? Also featured: Dan gives the others his tell-all account of when he met Val Kilmer at a film premiere. Plenty of bile rising in this one, don't miss out.

https://soundcloud.com/video-negative/batman-forever-episode-13/download.mp3

Episode 12: The Boondock Saints

The concluding part of the first Video Negative two parter sees the crew the take on Troy Duffy's 1999 honker The Boondock Saints. "Pulp Fiction with soul" this ain't. It doesn't take long for the crew to lose it, with Ol reaching breaking point numerous times throughout. Also featured: Ol and Tim reveal their respective screenplays they wrote when they were eighteen (both of which feature names of existing films), Dan channels Fozzy Bear, the gang discuss what might've happened had Duffy's film been a success, and the air turns brown towards the end of the episode. The saints are marching in, and Video Negative tramples them, don't miss this one!

https://soundcloud.com/video-negative/the-boondock-saints-episode-12/download.mp3

Episode 11: Overnight

Join the Video Negative crew as they discuss Overnight - the story of how Troy Duffy duffed up the chance of a lifetime in making his 1999 opus The Boondock Saints. Part one of a two part special, with our critique of the Boondock Saints itself coming later in the month. Also featured: A peak into Mark Wahlberg's internal monologue, what do the Beatles sound like when mashed up with Alice in Chains, Ol and Dan atone for a past transgression at Tim's expense and much much more. Don't miss this one!

https://soundcloud.com/video-negative/overnight-episode-11

Episode 10: Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace

A long time ago in a galaxy blah, blah, blah. The Vid Neg crew are back to review one of the 90s most upsetting films - Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace, and boy, are the gang riled up. Topics of talk include who exactly is the Phantom Menace, the ancient Jedi method of holding one's breath and the beaucoup racism the film seems to be obsessed with. Also Booker T commentates on a pod race, Sam Jackson tries to talk his way into The Force Awakens and the IMDB reviews offer up the most bizarre entry yet. Be sure to catch Roy Macmillan, of the Moving The Needle Podcast, dropping by to astrally project his thoughts into your brain. Sit back, relax and set phasers to thrill (whoops, wrong franchise).

https://soundcloud.com/video-negative/star-wars-episode-one-the-phantom-menace

Episode 9: Wild Wild West

Vid Neg's first episode of the new year sees a standoff between your three hosts and one of the most infamous misfires of the 90s: Wild Wild West starring Will Smith, Kevin Kline, Kenneth Branagh and Salma Hayek. Luckily Vid Neg are quick on the draw, taking potshots at crummy writing, woeful performances, sterile action and just about everything else in this far from rootin', tootin' varmint of a film. Be aghast at the film's tasteless race jokes, let your jaw hang open at the discussion of breast texture, shield your ears from how exactly one pronounces Kenneth Branagh's name, and be let down when Ol spoils Dan's big reveal for the tenth episode! Lots of good, bad and ugly film talk in this one, yee-haw!

Hope you don't mind the length of this one either!

https://soundcloud.com/video-negative/wild-wild-west-episode-9